Tuesday, April 29, 2003

Today's Personal Jesus

Today's personal Jesus is Andy46477. If eBay had more buyers like Andy, I'd sell something there.

See Oscar Surf

Announcing an exciting feature exclusive to this journal: the web-surfing finds of Oscar Rothstein. Oscar works at the front desk. He's far beneath me on the chain of command, yet I lack the power to discipline him, other than by tongue-lashing. On the positive side, Oscar types like a demon, and answers the telephone courteously and correctly. This is balanced by his being one of the most irritating people I've ever met. Oscar is a Woody Allen character made flesh: whiney, New York accent, anxious about remote threats to his health, pencil-necked, neurotic to the point of breakdown.

Oscar doesn't stop there though. He brings his own unique touches to the mix, such as calling "Oooh, oooh!" to get attention, a la Arnold Horshack. He evangelizes some weird philosophy centered on his fear of being turned into a machine. His jumpiness extends to physical concerns too. If you approach his work station and stand there, Oscar's hands begin to shake.

One more difference between Oscar and Woody is that Diane Keaton doesn't come into the picture. Oscar is gay as the ace of spades. Not that there's anything wrong with that!

But it does play into the inspiration for this item. Last Friday I ventured over to Oscar's desk to ask him, for the third time, to please print something that I needed right now. As I walked over Oscar had his head turned. He didn't see me standing by his work station. On his monitor was a screen full of Match.com: a dozen middle-aged fat men striking poses from studly to demure.

Now I know why he gets so nervous when I get approach his computer.

A lot of bloggers complain about the boss intruding on valuable web-surfing time. In this case, I was the boss (who writes this on his lunch hour at home). And I needed my shit printed ten minutes ago. I stood there staring at the screen, and Oscar turned around. Needless to say, I got my shit printed at warp speed this time.

Oscar's surfing has been a problem before, but apparently there's no inclination at the top to fix it. Good clerical help is hard to find. So rather than press the issue with the partners at work, I'm going to do the next best thing.

Oscar is surprisingly dumb about computers. (They play into his fears of becoming a machine.) He doesn't know about Internet Explorer's "history" function, for instance. But I do.

Rather than complain to the powers that be, again, I'll complain here. Over the next several days, we'll be exploring the sites Oscar chooses to read at work. With a bit of commentary. First installment tonight!

A Well-Deserved Vacation

Not that anyone reads this, but I've been on vaction from blogging for almost the past 4 months. Now, tanned, rested, and refreshed, back into the fray!